Supreme Court Confirmation
I'm working so hard this morning to manage my emotions....my grief...my disappointment...my (dis)belief in the goodness of others.
I'm scared.
I'm so very angry.
I'm sad thinking of all the women who have had and are having the same emotions as I coming up inside them and working so hard to do more than stuff them down...as we have had to do so many many times before. Some feelings are expected; others we still don't understand...even though we have been through this before.
When we were not heard.
When we were discounted.
When we were not believed.
When we were demonized and ridiculed.
It overwhelms me in moments when I cannot control the tears and deep, soulful sobs escape from deep inside.
I cannot even hear the voice of the one true loving male in my life...my son...who I hoped to raise differently...and who is indeed most thoughtful and caring. Yet he is a man...and he cannot understand why his mother should care so much about a certain man who will soon sit on the highest court in our country.
Because I watched a highly accomplished, intelligent woman shake and quiver while relating a memory from long ago.
As I have.
Because something that happened to her was so traumatizing that she has spent every day since examining herself, her closest relationships, her thoughts, feelings and beliefs; in order to make sense, to understand, to bring acceptance to herself.
As I have.
Because she was not believed.
As I was.
Because she was ridiculed.
As I was.
Because she had to face the man that she accused and he did not respond with compassion even as he denied her memory.
As I have.
Because by all accounts he will work to overturn a landmark court decision that recognizes a woman's right to make decisions about her health and her body. A decision that is one of only a few that signifies a woman's autonomy; her existence as a uniquely qualified human being to determine her own future. A decision that took women out of the darkness of desperation and dangerous alleys of criminality into high quality, accessible healthcare.
Because his denial makes it okay for others to shed responsibility.
Because he is sanctioned by the men AND WOMEN who govern our country. It is with the women who voted for Kavanaugh that I have the most anger. Betrayal.
I think of all the courageous, loving, insightful women that have contributed to my well-being throughout my life....some would likely be shocked to be included...but those that I had the most differences with were sometimes the ones that strengthened me when I needed it.
Like the 27 year old waittress with 4 children who tried to self abort with quinine and a glass straw in the restroom of the restaurant where we both worked. I offered to take her to Planned Parenthood for birth control counseling and she refused saying that's where n.... go. 3 of her children had brain damage at birth from botched attempts at termination.
Like the college roommate that I took to the emergency room after finding her bleeding profusely in bed after a "back alley" doctor had terminated her pregnancy.
Like the cashier at the neighborhood convenience store who I found red-eyed and teary one day when I came in to pay for my gas. She had just found out her 15 year old daughter was pregnant...the same age she had been when this daughter was born.
Like the 12 year old girl in my 7th grade class who confided in me as we walked to school one morning that her mother's boyfriend was getting into bed with her at night and when she had told her mother, she beat her and called her a slut.
My mother didn't beat me when I told her what my stepfather did...she just said that I should not ever tell anyone because "all families have secrets". So I didn't for a very long time.
and on and on......
and so it goes....
I'm scared.
I'm so very angry.
I'm sad thinking of all the women who have had and are having the same emotions as I coming up inside them and working so hard to do more than stuff them down...as we have had to do so many many times before. Some feelings are expected; others we still don't understand...even though we have been through this before.
When we were not heard.
When we were discounted.
When we were not believed.
When we were demonized and ridiculed.
It overwhelms me in moments when I cannot control the tears and deep, soulful sobs escape from deep inside.
I cannot even hear the voice of the one true loving male in my life...my son...who I hoped to raise differently...and who is indeed most thoughtful and caring. Yet he is a man...and he cannot understand why his mother should care so much about a certain man who will soon sit on the highest court in our country.
Because I watched a highly accomplished, intelligent woman shake and quiver while relating a memory from long ago.
As I have.
Because something that happened to her was so traumatizing that she has spent every day since examining herself, her closest relationships, her thoughts, feelings and beliefs; in order to make sense, to understand, to bring acceptance to herself.
As I have.
Because she was not believed.
As I was.
Because she was ridiculed.
As I was.
Because she had to face the man that she accused and he did not respond with compassion even as he denied her memory.
As I have.
Because by all accounts he will work to overturn a landmark court decision that recognizes a woman's right to make decisions about her health and her body. A decision that is one of only a few that signifies a woman's autonomy; her existence as a uniquely qualified human being to determine her own future. A decision that took women out of the darkness of desperation and dangerous alleys of criminality into high quality, accessible healthcare.
Because his denial makes it okay for others to shed responsibility.
Because he is sanctioned by the men AND WOMEN who govern our country. It is with the women who voted for Kavanaugh that I have the most anger. Betrayal.
I think of all the courageous, loving, insightful women that have contributed to my well-being throughout my life....some would likely be shocked to be included...but those that I had the most differences with were sometimes the ones that strengthened me when I needed it.
Like the 27 year old waittress with 4 children who tried to self abort with quinine and a glass straw in the restroom of the restaurant where we both worked. I offered to take her to Planned Parenthood for birth control counseling and she refused saying that's where n.... go. 3 of her children had brain damage at birth from botched attempts at termination.
Like the college roommate that I took to the emergency room after finding her bleeding profusely in bed after a "back alley" doctor had terminated her pregnancy.
Like the cashier at the neighborhood convenience store who I found red-eyed and teary one day when I came in to pay for my gas. She had just found out her 15 year old daughter was pregnant...the same age she had been when this daughter was born.
Like the 12 year old girl in my 7th grade class who confided in me as we walked to school one morning that her mother's boyfriend was getting into bed with her at night and when she had told her mother, she beat her and called her a slut.
My mother didn't beat me when I told her what my stepfather did...she just said that I should not ever tell anyone because "all families have secrets". So I didn't for a very long time.
and on and on......
and so it goes....
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