Listening to Tom Waits this morning.  Should be doing so many things but ole tomcat makes just me want to hang out and smile.  My living room turns into a sultry, smoke-filled piano bar...and I just sit at the table sipping tea and feeling like it is scotch as the blanket of blues melodies wash through me.  I love his quirky sense of humor, even with the rawness of his voice and lyrics, he conveys such depth while not taking anything too seriously.  and "I hope that I don't fall in love" with him...(smile)

I was up about 4 with the dog and sat watching the night sky begin to fade into morning...then back in bed and, as oftens happens on the second installment of sleep...I dreamed a dream of fantasy and reality intertwined.  I was at the library which was in the middle of Home Depot, researching something legal for somebody I knew...??? I had been there awhile because the librarian kept coming by and saying "Are you still here?  How long are you going to be here?"  I just smiled and shrugged.  My grandson was with me...listening to a story being read in the children's corner.  Instead of being the big 11 year old that he is, he was about 5 and still had that delightful little boy laugh that kept bouncing across the space between us and kept us connected even though I couldn't quite see him.  All of a sudden his giggle seemed farther away so I went to check on him...for a moment I was disoriented because he wasn't in the place where I had left him.  Just as I looked around the corner, I saw a woman on the sidewalk (somehow we were outside then) who was encouraging him to follow her across the street in a game of tag.  As I shifted into gear, prepared to cry out and catch him, I found myself in that dream state of paralysis where no sound comes from my mouth and my feet are stuck in quicksand.  My mind was trying not to completely panic by sending my body messages like "calm down; breathe, see where he is and where he might go...find help...try not to cry.  I hate that feeling.

I absolutely and completely adore my grandson...he is truly a joyful blessing in my life.  I need to tell him that more often, I think I neglected telling my own kids all the amazing things I saw in them because the message I had gotten as a kid was that too many positive messages like that would make you arrogant and conceited...now I know that is a bunch of bull...children don't get enough recognition for their unique and special ways of being.

Ole Tom is telling a story in the bar that I need to hear.
:)

Connections

It's been a while since I was on this blog.  My focus has changed.  Although still looking back, forward and sideways to make sense of life and define somehow the path where my feet travel each day.  I have more time alone now...just me and the dog...my son and grandson in their own home with the lovely and talented woman they have charmed into their lives.  It feels so good to see them all together...3 brilliant energies who exist so well together and are so distinctly present apart.  I have spent much too much of my life seeking myself through my relationships that I failed to see myself as clearly as I wanted...too much attention to the reflection and not enough on the real me.  I am told I have a powerful presence...and I see evidence of that, even though I fail to acknowledge it readily.  It scares me, humbles me, gives me a stronger sense of responsibility...and sometimes it is what makes me want to isolate.  I know I am different...I don't always adopt the social graces of others, my passion moves me to speak in terms that are tinged with anger and condemnation...I sometimes judge the world too harshly.  Injustice, ignorance and system dysfunction frustrate me...I long for conversation with people who are knowledgeable, compassionate, and articulate...but find that I get the most from simple exchanges in everyday life.  For the last few days I have had a man staying in my "under-construction" garage apartment who leads a "unencumbered life"...meaning he is virtually homeless, drifting from situation to situation without expectations of permanency or prosperity.  He has his alcohol dependency to dull whatever pain he carries and finds pleasure in being useful to others.  Yesterday he walked down to the store and found a "Scientific American" magazine from 1999 in a trash heap.  He enjoyed this gift of intellectual nourishment tremendously and spent periodic moments throughout the day reading, processing and sharing its contents.  We humans are amazing beings.  I spent the day working at my computer with breaks going out to the yard, checking on construction progress, and engaging in bits of conversation...he enjoyed hearing about my travels around the country and we found bits of historical commonality in our lives.  There was a comfortable rhythm to our interaction.